<em>Illustration: michaelmucci.com</em> Illustration: michaelmucci.com
 
I abhor gossip but crave detail. In 2006, the Oscar for best original song was won by It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp from the film Hustle & Flow. The lyrics rang very true of the arduous life of a pimp, ''trying to get his money for the rent, for the Cadillacs and gas money spent''. After the chorus of ''a whole lot of bitches talking shit'', any reasonable person's heart went out for the agonies of pimping for a living. And it ain't easy for a male massage therapist with a portable table working in the US either. Bitches talking shit is nothing compared with the damages said to have been suffered by masseurs when John Travolta allegedly turned the tables on them.

The masseurs stated in their amended joint complaint in the US District Court ''that they suffered severe emotional distress that was substantial, and that no reasonable person in a civilised society should be expected to bear''. They each seek $2 million in damages and it clearly would not be enough for being hit on by Travolta. One wonders how much their pitbull lawyer, Okorie Okorocha, could get for a masseur hit on by, say, John C. Reilly. There isn't enough money in the Church of Scientology.

If the accusations are true, Travolta has forgotten his table manners. There is a code of ethics for massage therapists. It is time that clients had their own code, so that incidents such as these do not recur.

Massage is a touchy business at any time. Clarity is the enemy of ambiguity. So, when the massage therapist asks you to get undressed as she or he leaves the room, you should ask in a loud clear voice, ''Can I take my underpants off or should I leave them on?,'' preferably at the top of your voice, so third parties can be potential witnesses if required.

Many therapists leave the question of ''nude or not?'' hanging in the air like laundry on the line. In this age of pop-up massage therapists, travelling with their tables and mobiles, it may be best to get the answer in writing, as lovemaking in Sweden requires.

When making a booking and you are asked ''Man or woman therapist?'' do not say ''man'' and wrinkle up your face and mime putting your fingers down your throat. Some therapists may not get the message. Be clear, tick the female box, draw a picture of a woman. Say it a number of times. Woman. Woman. Woman. Make clear that it is not because you want sex but that you prefer the feminine touch. So say ''no sex'' loud and clear. Write it down.

At this juncture, you have negotiated the ethical issues of nudity and the therapist's gender, and you are ready to take the table. If the towel or sheet you are offered is the size of a tea towel or handkerchief and you are uncomfortable with that, insist on being as draped as any traditional Muslim woman would. On the other hand you may prefer to be totally exposed, letting your body breathe. As you have already made clear, there is no sex, so lying there totally exposed to the elements and in her hands should be no threat to anyone.

So you are stark naked, head in hole, and the therapist asks you to turn over and you have an erection. What the Client's Code of Ethics tells you is that brief incidents of sexual arousal are most often involuntary side effects of a specific physiological process activated by the massage. They are not abnormal in the context of massage. Do not turn over immediately. Ask for a moment. If the arousal continues, despite you thinking of your mother, explain in a loud voice that you have an enormous erection through no fault of hers, or yours, and that you might need a beach towel draped over you when you turn over.

Boundaries do not exist just in cricket, they are to protect the client and the therapist from each other.

Transference occurs when the client makes the professional relationship personal. Keep it professional. Keep it to yourself. Do not say anything inappropriate. Do not speak. Let her fingers do the talking.

Massage is a two-way street. Boundary violations usually begin quietly, little by little, and without any problems.

The ethical client will point to the part of the body that is in need of special treatment. Mark it with texta if there is possible doubt. Make a dark circle around it. The ethical client should be prepared to set his personal standards sky high.